i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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