I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
