Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
