I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
