I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
