It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
