Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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