Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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