He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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