I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
where are my pants?
in the oven.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
