So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
So. Much. Porn.
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