Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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