between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize