I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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