I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
