You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
