it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
