Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
