i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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