I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
