Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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