no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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