Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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