Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
