I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize