so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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