and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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