I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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