Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
