If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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