i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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