I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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