I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
