Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
