If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
