Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
