I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
