He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
