One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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