My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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