i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
