I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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