Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize