No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize