Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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