just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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