He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
