I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
