Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
