Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
