So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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