I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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