Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
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