i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
