we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
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