True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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