If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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